This is an honest question. Its funny… I have a few friends who are transmen, and most of these things just never came up in conversation. EVERY conversation that delves into their trans status always boils down to me being jealous of their chest hair, and them being jealous of the hair on my head. Not all drag kings are transitioning. Drag is centuries old and its meaning has shifted constantly over time. I would say avoid embarrassing situations and never make assumptions.
I was really surprised when I met a few trans men who were also drag kings. Drag is about performing gender and playing with gender boundaries.
But being trans has to do with gender identity which is so real. In fact I sometimes think of my life pre-transition as a life lived as a drag queen. But even after transition, for some people gender expression is all about performance, in many aspects of their life. So some trans guys take that performance to the stage.
Additionally, drag performance has helped many trans men realize that they were trans and realize they were men. I have heard similar stories about trans women beginning their gender transition as drag queens and then realizing they were actually women. It is my experience however, that most drag kings are women not trans men. And most of them are lesbian-identified.
And most drag queens are men.
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- Trans Etiquette 101: No Offense, But That’s Offensive.
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Who you calling mentally ill? I think this is a great article, but I have a separate etiquette question. Today I found an old friend on facebook. Or do I have to let him reach out? If I go home and see him, can I just go up to him his appearance is obviously different from our previous time together — would it then be offensive if I recognized him? Should I just leave it alone? I mean this world is a lonely effing world enough as it is to pass up on a chance to reconnect with someone just to avoid doing the wrong things.
I say, do go up to him. Call him by the name indicated on the social media site that you found him on. And maybe from there try to clarify somethings? Anyway, this scenario might go several ways but it might help you keep in touch with an old friend and tactfully clarify new boundaries. One guy sent me a message saying that he had assumed I had transitioned and was really happy for me. Other friends have asked me if I am using the name Sebastian in real life offline as well and which pronouns I prefer.
Others have ignored the issue entirely and addressed me as Sebastian. The one thing that I think is really important in reestablishing contact is letting them know privately that their trans status is not something you care about or plan on sharing. After all there is much more in life that has changed in the past 10 years than my gender! It was very stressful and caused a lot of anxiety for me.
I know this article was partially in response to some of the questions I asked on your first blog post here, and I appreciate it. I hope that came across. My best friend from childhoood through till 27 years old was a girl who was legally blind and I saw the way people treated her.
Femininity Guide for Transgender Women
I have a question: I have an ex-friend who came out as a trans male in the middle of our high school years. How do I non-awkwardly correct my friends when they do that? These are private conversations, without him involved, but I still feel irritated that it happens. You definitely know trans people. But what I think we need to talk about just as importantly, is guidelines for how trans people talk to other trans people.
I feel like almost every time trans people meet each other for the first time, they feel obligated to harass each other with invasive personal questions. Essentially I just want to see a movement within the trans community to learn more respect for their trans brothers, sisters, and siblings. I think I now feel inspired to write my own blog entry discussing this. Thanks for this article, Sebastian, I found this really helpful! Since I am a cisgendered lesbian, and my co-creator is a cisgendered gay man, and there are no openly trans people that we know of at our school, it would be really helpful if you or anyone could give us some advice on dealing with transgendered issues in the club.
That would be super awesome. Sebastian, this is a great article. Thank you for posting.
Dealing with Emotions in a Transgender Relationship
I am non-trans same-gender loving but have several trans friends in different stages of transition. It was awesome to see my trans siblings from all over the USA in touch with their spiritual selves as well. Sebastian, please keep speaking out and educating. In 4, I do not want someone asking me if I have completed the steps to become legally female!
That is getting in my pants just as much as, though not as rude as, do you still have a penis. For number 5 there are 2 other terms…. Perfectly safe ways to describe cisgendered people. The safest thing to do is to let the person in the unfamiliar situation that is, the trans person lead the way. If we want to talk about legality, we will. I see your point. And you are right about chromosomes, because of intersex people. I too do not prefer people to use bio whatever but it is better than saying real.
Because I AM a real girl and a damn sexy one at that, so exactly. I prefer cisgender too but like most all non-queer people do not know what it means.
Trans Etiquette No Offense, But That's Offensive | Autostraddle
You ARE a real girl! And I do not doubt your sexiness, because your attitude is hot. We do not deserve to be treated like shit. With all due respect, I do not think you got the point of the article, because I am offended by yr comment. We also both have blogs that might help you understand gender diversity and transition better.
Sorry to offend you. I generally make it known that I encourage questions at appropriate times, but also point out when a question is inappropriate. I have noticed over the course of time I have known I was female as far back as I can remember that most media spokespersons and indeed even members of the LGBT community are not cohesive about Trans issues. Also, terms tend to get lumped together. One thing I am careful to explain to people right off the get-go, is that MY experiences are just that, My interpretations of what it is like to be who I am.
I also consider myself Transsexual. When I am completely through transition, I am still Female, and still Transsexual. I found this site recently, and was delighted to see other Transfolk given voice and authorship, and also the overwhelmingly healthy response from the community here at large, to being open about looking at all issues and all points of view. I find that refreshing. Or now if you want to talk about it, lol. Some people change apparent sex naturally. This article was really helpful. On a completely unrelated note: I have a general question that perhaps you can answer.
Do you also feel this way? This is a really useful article. One of my biggest questions though, is: Sometimes, as a non-transgender person, I notice those who are particularly androgynous, and I get curious. But in no way would I ever want to be offensive in asking someone. Great article, helpful in my relations with trans people, and applicable to many oppressed groups. What would it be most useful for me to know about you in order to be a good ally?
On the topic of acceptable synonyms for cis, may I call myself an xxgirl without being unintentionally bigoted? How to be an ally instead of an asshat The Daily Springbyker. Better still just treat people as their chosen gender, accept it and move to some other topic for conversation. Stop identifying people as trans at all unless they say they are and let them share with you when they decide yoiu are safe to confide in. Episode — February 12th - Unofficial Network.
Trans Etiquette What Not to Ask a Transgender Person. Not every trans man wants to change his legal gender marker and you are presuming we all do. Protecting and Supporting Trans Individuals. Thinking about transgender Somewhere Boy. Resources for those who want to learn what Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism is really about — Insufferable Intolerance. Sebastian Sebastian has written 16 articles for us.
Transgenders have been known to have voluptuous bodies that make men drool like fools. However, if you are dating a transgender, no matter how hot she is, you should never seem to be hell-bent on having sex with her. Transgender women have been through a lot and are therefore very cautious before inviting you to their bedrooms.
Your patience might be put to the test, but if it triumphs, great sex awaits you! As a Cis Man, I am attracted to females. As a matter of fact, Transwomen seem more feminine to me. And it may not be so much in the looks or actions, but in their attitude and personality. I would love to date one of these women, if only I was more attractive…. I am a proud straight man and I prefer to date trans women. We are out there. But they care more about there image. Yes transgender women are actual women. We just started out wrong on the outside an society tryed to keep us there.
The woman inside of this transgender being will not be denied her true calling of being the woman she truely is. So yes we are truely all woman in our own special package. I gave up hope too and then he came into my life, we have a wedding date planned! Some very good advice here……I am a single transgender girl, and would love the opportunity to date a transgender guy. Like there are some flaws in a lot of the logic here. Could be improved in areas, though. I do not see the need for all the slur like tags… Ladyboy, shemale, sissy, tg dating, trans dating.
Transgendered women are either very picky, or quite up themselves.!! But to be fair, so have most people. Why does this article approach dating a transgender woman like adopting a puppy? Like them as an individual? Then base your decision on that. Hi ive been with the same i hate the word transgender woman for 27 years my family shunned me but i have the best life any straight man could wish for she s so gentle caring and is my world bottom line they are women and love them just the same dont be small minded you can be so happy and so much fun loyalty romance.
I would not mind a man like you!! I am a transgender girl and I find it super hard to find love. A man like this deserves to be loved. How I wish I was her youre talking about. Im trans, I wanna know you better. HI, God bless you! I love her with all of my heart. Bit, I still respect her boundaries. He is very likely attracted to them or least to the idea and what he hates is the fear of what his friends and family will think.
You ever wonder what your daughter wants for her future? Your daughter is someone special for loving someone who has a difficult time finding love in this world. Your family is ripping your family apart, not your daughter or her partner. Good luck getting any guy to like you with this attitude. Guys like you are probably why I prefer girls. And yes, there are guys who like me. Everyone should do it actually. I think this is totally appropriate. While you may want to get to know everything about your potential lover eventually, some of these details are NOT first or even 3rd date questions.
As a cis-gender female, I have been treated like a piece of meat, without any of the politeness initially. In front of my children. However, inquiring about surgeries, I might disagree. I got rear-ended, ruptured 3 disks in my neck and had to have major surgery because some idiot was more concerned about texting than my life.
I get angry talking about it. I resent having a giant scar across the front of my neck. But depending on how people talk to me about it, it either conveys concern and compassion, or just stirs up more anger and resentment. As a doctor, I ask people about their health all the time. I have no patience for people who push my boundaries.
Wow some of these comments are totally off. In love with a transgender. He just wants to be treated as normally as possible!! People should feel free to ask whatever the please. Its not about us trying to hide anything. Its about having enough respect for someone to get to know them as a person before anything else. Is that really too much to ask? Then you say that certain things are stigmatizing and stereotyping, but you later say there are health risks when seeing a sex worker.
Respect is given where deserved. I am love the education this article is given. The are women and they must be treated as such. I am single and seeks for a lover. It ALL comes from the heart. If I see a female that I am attracted to, nothing else matters. Also, I am not into hurting anyone, and the tongue can be deadly.
Great article, great advice. I guess I got super lucky. I am considering dating a Transgender woman I have been talking to. She admitted to me and was a little shocked. I guess the most thing I am worried about is how people would view me in this aspect of dating her and my family accepting this. If you have any suggestions from the Transgender point of view please share.
My GF and I have had our issues with my age and energy level, her ability to be faithful vs the excitement of being with younger men — some wealthier begging her to let them spirit her away for a carefree lifestyle. Whenever we go out, men and women lust after her…they stare so blatantly that it can be uncomfortable for her.
She tries to laugh or shrug it off, but we both are very aware that in these times caution must always be the watch word. Oh, I guess i forgot to say that she is a Pre-Op Transgendered Woman and has been transitioning for about 3 years and only full time for the last year. At times, it has been rough — emotionally and physically for both of us. By definition one might assume that others will come after me. But since our most recent break up, things seem to have changed a bit.
We are discussing giving it another try and building a life together. Why would we do this back and forth routine? Well my maturity allows me to see the world from her POV. Just because my dancing til 3 AM days are behind me does not mean that she should starve herself of fun. She may yet have a few yet to sow. Until the time that she is able to complete her transition through sexual reassignment surgery, I will love her fully and totally as the woman she is and bring her as much pleasure as I possibly can both in and out of the bedroom.
And God willing if we are still partners after the surgery, I will continue to treat her in the very same fashion. Only one person in my family knows of her status. My GF and I have discussed this issue and we feel that it should only be appropriate to discuss this with family members when both she and I have decided that they have a need to know anything at all. Such a time might be in the event of a our engagement. Other than that, I have not discussed any of my other personal relationships with my extended family members, and do not intend to begin now.
My GF is looked upon by other members of the transgendered community as something of a role model. I like her, admire her, respect her, desire her and want to protect her. I believe she feels the exact same way about me. Im currently in a relationship w a straight man alm four yrs n never met anyone in his life thusfar it makes me feel inadequa.
Reading this made me feel like you are a total asshole. Maybe be less of a prick when you write? Are you a transgender John? I like this article. These tricks really worked well for me. A transgender is just like anyone else. They like to be treated with respect.
How to Date a Trans Guy
Not much fun being transgender believe me unless you like being homeless and unemployed and discriminated. Transgenders are also human beings. Many of them are kind, smart people. The society must be inclusive of all types.